I am hitting brick walls every where I turn. I am so desprate to find my sister. Maybe I am being selfish. Maybe she loves the life she lives now and doesn't want to be found? MAN THIS SUCKS. The unknown is so much worse. It's even scary at times. I just don't know how to explain it. How can you love someone you don't even know. I don't know what she looks like and I've never met her but its like I can feel her or something. ITS WEIRD I know but I KNOW that God has a plan and maybe that is how he is going to lead me to her. I have no I idea!! I just know that I love her and I am praying for the day I will embrace her.

I have started the search for my sister that was adopted about 18 years ago. In doing this, I have had to have contact with some of my biological family. It hasn't been pretty! It seems that my bio family hates my foster mom. Why? They claim that she did everything to make sure that she got to keep us instead of letting us go back to them. Well Thank God! I have seen what kind of people they are and I don't want to be in that mess that is for damn sure. I guess I am not only looking for my sister but I am also searching for the truth about why I was in foster care in the first place. So far, I have heard many different stories. It has been painful at some points. My aunt said some things that really made me upset. I don't know whether it was sadness, anger or confusion. I assume that it was a little of all of the above. It made me cry like a baby though. Something caught me and wouldn't let go for a little while.

My bio. aunts are mad because I didn't go to my grandmothers funeral. Well hell, I didn't even know the woman?! Therefore, I have no attachment to her whatsoever! Should I feel bad about not going? NO, I shouldn't and they shouldn't try to make me feel bad either! Like Geja said What are they going to do disown me?!! Like that would hurt anymore than being disowned from them for atleast 20 years. They have to be off their rockers to think that after 20 years I would just welcome them back into my life with open arms!! I have trust issues as it is I am deffinately not stupid! My other sister may believe everything they say but I don't believe a word of it. If I haven't learned anything else in my 23 years of life I HAVE learned that Trust is earned not given. Especially for them. They haven't given me a reason to trust them.

Okay that is all the energy I have today. I will write more later. There is lots more to tell.

Ok I have bee gone for a while so I am just going to up date everyone with my blogs from myspace.

Do we really choose our own destiny? Are our lives determined by how we live or by the random things that happen? Is it possible for other people to determine our future by the things they do to us? What part of our lives do we control exactly?

So many questions with so many different answers. To allow someone else to control my destiny is weakness. I would have to give up control of myself entirely. Control of my body may have been stolen from me but I am in control of my soul. Men may have stolen my purity, childhood and years from my life but that doesn't mean that what was taken from me determines my future or my destiny for that matter.

If you have lived on this earth for any amount of time chances are something has been taken from you or someone in your life has hurt or betrayed you in one way or another but it is what you do with what you've been through that determines your future.

I am who I am. I love myself. If every thing in this world was taken from me I would still have my heart and soul. Those things are mine and mine alone. Control of myself I will not give any man. They can take me, break me or shatter me but I will still be stronger than them. My body may not be stronger but my mind heart and soul still stand and by them I will overcome anything and everything that has, could and will be done to me.

Life is truly what we make it.

Some of you are reading this now and I am glad. I miss you all soooooooooo much. It's hard to think about not seeing any of you in April. That was my only set back when I waited to tell Kellie whether or not SAVE would host the drop zone here. I hate the thought of not spending time with ya'll. I haven't been able to respond to much email lately becaue i have been soooooooooooo incredibly busy at work but I Will eventually. I just want to give all of you a big hug riht now!!

I have met a guy that I really like. His name is Junior. He is 28 and is in the Air Force. He is my friend Geja's cousin. (Ironic I know!) He is stationed about three hours from here which is perfect. I had to pick Geja up from there on Sunday so I went a day early and spent the weekend getting to know him. So far I think he is a really great guy but I'm not going to get my hopes up just yet! Anyway Saturday night he cooked me dinner and we talked for like 4 straight hours. Of course the first thing I told him about was my beautiful group of sisters and the work I am currently doing. Near the end of the night he said that he likes that I have such a deep passion for such a great cause. AWWWWW! If he isn't deployed he will be attending OFF with me. Oh yes then on Sunday we went to Starbucks and then to church (that's an extra 2pts LOL) and then when we got home I crashed on the couch and he in the chair and we just had a quiet afternoon. I think that he will be coming up this weekend to see me.! I'll keep every one up dated!!

The Five Love Languages
Your primary love language is probably
Quality Time
with a secondary love language being
Physical Touch.


Complete set of results
Quality Time: 12
Physical Touch: 8
Words of Affirmation: 6
Receiving Gifts: 2
Acts of Service: 1

So many things have been going on with me. I am not really sure where my life is going or not even sure where I want it to go. I know God has a plan for me but it is so frustrating trying to figure it out sometimes. I know that every thing happens for a reason but that doesn't mean it hurts any less. I don't want to be a Legal Secretary my entire life especially in the Corporate world. All we do is make rich people even richer. What's the purpose in that. Who is that helping exactly? When I die I want to know that my life made even a small dent in this world. I think I dream too big most of the time but I just want to do and be so much more in this world than I am now. I don't know what to do or where to turn right now. I'm just so BLAH!

Then there is this other problem. What do you do when you have a friend that you love constantly stomping on your boundaries even after you have talked to them about it? Do you just distance yourself? I just dont know know what to do any more. I can usually pep talk myself into getting the ball rolling in the right court but not this time. Where do I go from here?

Well I’ve been holding back on dealing with this for quite a while. I've just been keeping it in and can feel the anger when I speak her name. My heart still stings because a part of me still loves her. LEAH. Four years of friendship. Four years of giving you my heart and soul.

When you needed someone to talk to I was there for you at three in the morning. You needed a ride I would come to get you. You ran away from home I gave you a place to stay. I supported you in what ever you wanted to do. I told you the truth even when I knew it would hurt you and a few time you walked away form the truth that I offered you. You often didn't speak to me for days. Sometimes even weeks but eventually you came back. Through many many things we stuck together. I let you into my soul, the very center of my being. I shared my deepest thoughts, my deepest feelings. I told you things that to this day have never been spoken to anyone else. You knew my insecurities. You knew that I was rebuilding trust that had been taken from me so many times. You’re a survivor yourself. Yet, you became so heartless. How can this be? You tore me into shreds all over again. You shattered the friendship that took us years to build. You betrayed the very foundation that our friendship was built on. You betrayed my soul!

You knew how sentimental I am . Everything I own whether it was given to me or not was very special to me. It all stands for another step I have taken in my life. Another step to recovery. You were heartless enough to take it all except what I was able to take with me before you got to it. Yes I can replace the furniture but what about the things that can never be replace even if you bought me the same exact one. It's not about the material things its about what they meant when I got them but you wouldn't know anything about that do you. You don't care about anything but yourself. HOW COULD YOU?! Yes, you stabbed me in the back but even worse you put a spear through my heart. I loved you so much. When I love someone it's not just a word to me. That person become like a piece of my heart. The pain you caused me I can't describe with words or even so much as vocalize. What happened to the Leah I know? I know she's still in there but I can't help you fix it this time your on your own. Part of me hates you but part of me still loves you. Yes, I will eventually be able to forgive you but I don't know when that will be. I know I will never trust you like I did before. You have put me a little behind on healing the old wounds but I won't cave in. You won't defeat me. I won't let you I am stronger and have more courage than you ever will. My heart tries to turn to stone but I constantly fight against it. I will not allow myself to shut down. You're not worth it. Never worry about me even when you do come around to the reality of what you've done but I worry about you if you get what you deserve. What goes around comes around. You can never escape what you do to others. Remember that when you think of me. Oh Yes, keep an eye over your shoulder because one day I just might be there to kick your ass.

When I think I'm goin under, part the waters Lord;
When I feel the waves around me, calm the seas;
When I cry for help, Oh hear me Lord and hold out your hand;
Touch my Life, Still the raging Storm in me.
~Selah~

I have said this many times. I even said it on STT. I just want to be free to be me. Why is that so wrong? Why can't people accept who I am and where I've been? Let me be quiet, Let me be said, Let me cry, Let me be irritated unless I take it out on you. Why do you have to push me during these times? Why do you want me to be happy all the time? I don't want to be. That's not me. Why would you get in my face an repeatedly call me a bitch? I just wanted you to stop hounding me. I said okay that's enough many times but to you that was attitude? Excuse me for being the adult in the situation. I respected you by walking away and not saying a word to defend myself but somehow to you that was the wrong thing to do. If you were anyone else I would have knocked your teeth down your throat. I just wanted you to leave me alone but you won't stop running your mouth. Just Shut Up! At least i didn't say anything I'll regret. Did you?

Right now I am debating whether or not I even want to be on the RTF cd or not. My fist thirty seconds were deleted by accident but i took all i had to even get that to her. I just feel like telling her to remove me completely. Maybe it's just because I'm moody but i really don't want to deal with it any more. I agree with many of the girls when they say we should just work on promoting the STT CD. Don't know what i am going to do just yet.

I really don't know how this all works but i am going to try and figure every thing out!!